Uta no Fukai
by Naoyyy
Summary: All I ever wanted to do was tell you I love you, but that made me go away for you. But now it is more painful. Why won't this heart of mine tell me what it wants already? Byakuya x OC
1. Love and Death

As I walked out of my two-story home, I enjoyed the sight of the sun and happy kids waving without a care to their parents and loved ones. Boyfriends holding hands with their girlfriends. The sky was blue and the clouds looked so comforting. Siiiigh. I _tried _to walk merrily down the street to school with a gentle smile on my face. I walked into the classroom that was empty, with my intentions in my head. Today was the day I tell Kurosaki-kun my love for him. But with my luck I'd get in nine feet of him and make a mistake. I'm bad-luck. But I know today will be different, I know it!

I really like Kurosaki Ichigo-kun, he's nice, funny, and mysterious. He helps me a lot in gym. It's ten minutes until homeroom starts and the teacher's not here yet, I'm the only one. It's a short day so I think some will skip school. The door to the class opened, I expected it to be Ochi-sensei but it wasn't…it was Kurosaki-kun! Here it was my luck going up all I had to do is say it! He was less than nine feet away, maybe eight, and nothing bad has happened! I felt my face get hot and I felt flustered.

After about two minutes he noticed I was here, he put up a arm in a gesture that would continue to a wave and smiled. I put up my hand a little (Well it barley even got off my lap, he probably didn't see it.) and tried to get up, but each time I tried I always went back down. I was scared of what he might say. It's Kurosaki-kun he wouldn't be so mean in his reaction. I think, I hope.

But this gave me enough courage to get up and say something. "Umm…Uhh… Kurosaki-san.. I..I.." I tried to talk right, I had it all planned out in my head.

I was _going_ to say, "Kurosaki-san, I want to tell you something. I really like you." And give him the cookies I baked. But it all went wrong. I blushed and shuddered, to top all that off the bell rang and everyone came storming in. I slumped down in my golden-brown desk and listened as Ochi-sensei talk. I wish that I didn't like Kurosaki-kun of all people!

I waited as Ayu-chan finished her laps for gym, they always go to lunch later than everyone else. But I wasn't paying attention to the field, I was looking for Kurosaki-kun. Just then I felt my mouth expand into a force smile, but it was nothing like a smile.

"You still having trouble with telling Ichigo, Kaede?" I turned around to see Ayu. Ayu is one of the only people that I feel I can anything around. She's smart, funny, nice, calm, cool, pretty, athletic and can talk and say what she wants. If it was her telling Kurosaki-kun this she would have done it already. I really admire her. "Haha, Good 'ole Kaede! Let's get lunch."

I just nodded as her rustled my hair. I fixed it and ran a little to catch up. I sat on the stone bench under the cherry blossom tree, Ayu came back with her drink and lunch. "Why don't you tell him now?" Ayu said as she sat down.

"It's alright." I didn't want to annoy Ayu.

We started to eat, Ayu finally talked after five minutes of silence, "How about writing it as a letter?"

I was snapped out of my thoughts, "Huh?"

Ayu got that I'm-Such-A-Genius look on her face, "Yeah! Slip it in his desk, so you don't have to tell him in his face!"

I though about it, "But school ends after lunch. He won't see it until tomorrow, and I promised myself I'd do it today." I got a little sad, Ayu was trying to help me but I keep thinking of the worst.

I noticed Ayu had pencil and paper in her hands, she was smiling, "Write, Kaede." I hesitated to take it, but I took it, I wrote the letter. I looked around for Kurosaki-kun, without Ayu, she had to make-up a test. I cleched the letter close to my heart.

I found him talking with his friends by the window on the side of the school next to more cherry trees. _'He's talking with Inoue-chan.' _I touch my flat chest and sigh. They were in a circle around him, even Chizuru-chan and Tatsuki-chan are there. I couldn't get close to him. But I still walked forward, oh how stupid I am! I fell and the letter went floating, one of the girls, whose name I didn't know, picked it up and looked at me.

She smirked and opened it, "Oh! Kurosaki-kun! Look!" My then I had gotten up. She un-folded the folds I made and started reading. My eyes widened, My heart beat could be heard from miles around. "_Dear Ichigo-kun,_" she said it in a mocking tone, "_I really like you. I couldn't tell you in person because I was too scared. Thank you for always helping me. I just wanted to tell you that. Love, Shirakawa Kaede._"

Kurosaki-kun just stared. I ran as fast as I could away from them, from Kurosaki-kun. He ran after me. I cried a lone tear as I ran. When I looked back I saw Kurosaki-kun mouth move, his eyes wide. I could hear it faintly, "Watch out, Kaede!!" the last thing I remember hearing is a car screeching and my body was full of a sharp pain.


	2. Ghosts and Souls

**Disclaimer: Do I really have to put one of these on? I mean seriously do you think I own BLEACH?**

**Note: o I forgot to put that in the first chapter, sorry. And a title sorry again, I'll try to edit it.**

**Forest Level Two:**

**Heaven sure looks like Karakura Town. **

I wake up to see me lying on the floor covered in blood. My hair creamy-orange had shiny red blood in it, my tattered school uniform was still attached to my body. I looked around, frightened. _'Why does heaven look like Karakura town? Could it be hell?' _I look at my body again. Clear, salty tears came to my eyes, My throat closed, I couldn't breath. I tried coughing, no sound came out. My mouth opened and closed, no breath, no air, no sound. _'What's going on!'_ tried to calm down but I couldn't, I kept shivering even with the sun out. I started to breath out of my nose, waiting for my throat to open. I knelt down to see my body better. My expression was so frightened, my blue eyes were wide open. I wonder if it looked the same now.

Kurosaki-kun was standing with wide eyes. He looked more sad than scared. Ishida-kun, Sado-kun, Inoue-chan and Transfer Student, Kuchiki-san, were there too. I can't take seeing this. Inoue-chan started to silently sob. Her long arm covered her gray eyes as her long light orange-ish hair bounced at every sniffle. Ishida-kun's thin glasses shined in the sunlight, I couldn't see his serous, narrow dark blue eyes. He slung his left arm to grab his right elbow. Ishida-kun is in the sewing club with me and a lot of the girls, he made me a honey brown, button-eyed, mantel teddy bear on my birthday, it was really cute. He was like a pencil some days I would compare the two. The last one, excluding Kuchiki-san, was Sado-kun, he just stood there. To tell you the truth Sado-kun scared me, he was taller than me, he had really broad shoulders. But he's sweet and quiet. I'm just to quick to judge.

I looked around to see the others, the principal and the mid-aged blacked haired, blue eyed, crying woman that hit me. They were talking to a policeman while the ambulance took my pale, lifeless body into the truck. No matter how many times they said he can't, Kurosaki-kun kept pleading to come along. The brown haired man looked at his co-worker in the ambulance, defeated. The man nodded slowly, and motioned both of them to come in the red and white truck. Everyone else came following, Inoue-chan, Kuchiki-san, Sado-kun, and Ishida-kun. At the last moment even I hopped on in the free space, not a lot.

_'It's so quiet.'_ The only sounds I could hear were the trucks alarms which were tuned out by my stares at Kurosaki-kun, I guess it was a trance. He had closed my frightened eyes and Inoue-chan had put my hand on my stomach, I looked sick not dead. I saw him hold my hand, by the creases in my hand, tightly. Even if it wasn't me in the body I blushed a faint pink-red.

"Kurosaki," It was Ishida-kun, he fixed his glasses, "I've never seen you talk with Shirakawa-san before, now you act like you've known her all your life."

I wasn't all too happy with his honesty, but it was true. I've never really talked to Kurosaki-kun, he's said hi to me a lot of times, that's it. I could only give him my weak wave, nothing else. Kurosaki-kun didn't loosen his hold, it only got tighter, I heard the clutching noise. His heartrending eyes were still looking on my, now blood free and cleaned, face.

"I don't know why," he started, "but I felt I was responsible for Kaede. She was always defenseless." He smiled gently, "She was like a little sister."

_'A little sister…Nothing else.' _My melancholy stare was at my own body. I wanted to go into it. _'Should I try?' _I sat up from my cramped spot and reached for my body. My hands were shaking as I slowly went forward. My hand…went right though it. I sighed at my own failure and looked at my feet, what I do every time I fail (So basically, I do it a lot.). _'WHERE ARE MY FEET?' _Sadly, but true, I have no feet. Legs to be exact. I've been floating…I'm more surprised than scared. I'm like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I've always liked him.

We reached the hospital a little after I found out about my disability. The doctor said I hadn't fully "died", I had a chance to live if they operate fast. _'If I'm not dead then why am I a ghost already?' _I looked at my no-where-to-be-seen leg, _'I see. When they come, I've died completely.' _Siiigh. This lobby is full of anguished whispered, and Kurosaki-kun pacing.

"Ichigo!" It as Kuchiki-san. Her voice was deeper, and I could is rusty for a girl in my opinion. "It she's dead that means her soul is somewhere."

Kurosaki-kun stopped and looked at her, "They said she isn't dead yet!" He turned his head away from her.

_'Soul?' _I remember them talking about that once. Soul Society they said. Something about being hollow.

_Flashback_

_Me and Ayu-chan had just gotten dressed for gym, Kurosaki-kun and company were talking. I remember Kurosaki-kun pointing a thumb at himself, smiling triumphantly. It made me smile too, I tightened my burgundy ribbon in creamy orange hair._

_**'I'll do my best!' **I thought always when I saw Kurosaki-kun. I inched closer to him, half to be near him and half to listen in. _

_"Ichigo," It was Kuchiki-san, "we need to go back to Soul Society." _

_He flung his head towards her, "Fine. And stop saying it so loud. Keigo or the others might hear you!" _

_Kuchiki-san seemed mad, "Fool! Your saying that too loud, now everyone will ask questions!"_

_Kurosaki-kun went in her face, "I wouldn't have to say it so loud if you could keep your voice own!"_

_They always argued. Ayu-chan told me that I should stop after she saw me. I nodded and went to line up. Only a few moments later I heard Inoue-chan whisper to Kuchiki-san._

_"A Hollow!"_

_The four-some ran off saying they had to use the bathroom._

_End Flashback_

I got my legs a few minutes before the doctor came and told Kurosaki-kun that I…well you know. He started to get a mixtures of sadness and a twisting ache in is eyes. I wanted to cry. _'I'm causing Kurosaki-kun pain.' _On the opposite wall he banged his head on it.

"Please Kurosaki-kun, smile! I'm fine! Really!" I pleaded to him. "Of course you can't hear me…"

"He might not but I can…" The voice was low, rough, and creepy. I started to breath hard. I was scared. Of the chain going into my chest.

"W-who?" I turned to see a disfigured monster. It's face was like a mask, it's teeth were wooden white, which matched it's eyes that were two gaping black holes. It was blue and hunched backed.

"Dead girls don't need to know who I am." It, most likely he by it's voice, laughed. I went back and touched Kurosaki-kun. _'Huh?' _I could touch Kurosaki-kun! In my sorrow I found happiness in a single touch.

_"Don't worry, Kaede. I'll protect you." It was Kurosaki-kun. _Yeah, I wish.

"Ichigo! Hollow! And it's after Kaede-chan." Inoue-chan hadn't spoken that much since my accident. But Kurosaki-kun flung around and looked at me. I smiled meekly even in this situation.

_**---**_

Kurosaki-kun had been hit my Kuchiki-san while she had his glove bearing the symbol of a skull in blue fire and he came out in a black yutaka with a giant sword on his back. As much as I didn't want it, he destroyed the monster. But he got hit around a lot and broke walls. He and everyone started to run to me until…a afro man came wearing the same yutaka as Kurosaki-kun. He but the hilt on my head and yelled,

"Lost spirit find your haven in Soul Society!"

_'Eh?'_

_end _

Kaede is confused and thinks Ichigo and Co, were talking about being transparent (See though).


	3. Soul Society and Dates

**Disclaimer: I don't own BLEACH. DUH. **

**Update: Changed for KuraiKaze. You weren't flaming…You were critiquing me, thanks! Frankly, I dooooooonnnnnn't wanna send her to the academy:'P**

**Forest Level Three:**

**Soul Society and Dates.**

I woke up too see I was in a forest. _'Ah…' _My head was pounding, I must've fallen on it. I didn't know what to do. Normally Ayu-chan would be there to help me, or even Kurosaki-kun. But now I was alone. I started to cry. I am such a cry-baby. I'll tell myself that while I cry all the time, but it never helps, the tears keep falling like rain. After five minutes of none stop silent tears, I hear something. A voice, it sounded so familiar. It sent a rush of happiness in me. The faint words were made out into:

_'Don't give up, Kaede! Believe in what you can do and do it! And if you can't do that, I'll make you!' _

It was Ayu-chan's gentle voice. I remember when she said that to me, at my families funeral. I gulped because I felt guilty that Ayu-chan was always giving me advice and helping me, but I did nothing in return. Even when she wasn't around she helped me. She was the only person in the world who cared about what I thought. After my mother, father and brother died, I had nothing. Life became a sick joke to me.

_ Flashback _

_"I'm so sorry, Kaede-chan. I insist you come and stay with me." My Aunt Sachiko always meant good. Being childless and my moms sister, she felt I was her responsibility._

_"It's…Alright…Auntie" I paused several times in that sentence to sniffle. I clutched a family photo closed to my chest. **'Mommy…Daddy.'** Tears rolled down my cheeks._

_"Kaede-chan…" Her eyes started to water. The cold, agonizing wind blew against my knees, the short black dress was plain other than the lace along the bottom. I hadn't gotten anything to put in my hair, not yet._

_"Hey! You! Girl!" I guess at the time it was just a black haired little girl. But now it's Ayu-chan. "You have strange hair."_

_I wasn't offended. I liked my hair. I looked like my mother. She was pretty, I always thought. I wanted to protect her. But I stared at Ayu-chan for the time being._

_"Hmm? It mean to stare." She looked at me, confused. I could only wonder two things. How could she be so calm at a funeral and…how stupid I must look compared to her. "I'm Mizuka Ayumi. Nice to meet cha'"_

_"I'm…Kaede." I whispered. She got in my face._

_"Hi, Kaede." She put me hand out. "Let's be friends."_

_I shook it. "Mmm."_

_That's how me and Ayu-chan became friends. Her family was in the car that hit my family's. We live together. We are each others family. _

_ .Flashback End. _

I had walked a while, but I still could not find a town. An endless forest. I couldn't go on so I just fell to the floor, chest first. I was truly scared. _'I'm in Soul Society. What is it? Purgatory? When shall I be judged…?' _I looked up. The place looked like a normal forest in, I heard myself gulp, Human World. I felt like the sun was beating down on me and only me. Though I was the only one around. The heat was too much, each of the suns golden orange rays were on my back. I wanted to hug Kurosaki-kun. I was too hungry to go on keeping my eyes on.

_'Kurosaki-kun…' _

I guess I blacked out or fainted. I woke up in a room. It was a square, there was a chest in a corner and in a half-dark corner of the room there were bluebell flowers that seemed to be growing out of a red-colored water in a transparent vase. The futon was comfortable. There were soft blankets, a warm pillow, and a linen sheet. Covering the bed was a fine woolen throw that was so lovely. Sewn on it was a beautiful garden full of flowers, birds, and so many other animals flocking in the rose bushes. The colors on it made the rest of the room look so tawdry. I kept on admiring it, picking it up to look at its white back, as the door opened.

"Captain, the report…" the short sand blonde haired girl looked at me, "AHHH!! Captain's been turned into a girl!" The moves were very dynamitic for the scene if I must say so.

Another person appeared at the door, this time a man. He had a triangle dark blue beard that matched his hair. He had a fishers head band that was twisted on his head. "What did you say, Kiyone!?" he said.

"Look, Kotsubaki!" She pointed at me. "Captain was sleeping there half an hour ago and now he's a girl." Her finger trembled as she continued to point. The girl was wearing the same yutaka as Kurosaki-kun except she had a collar on hers and she was wearing white gloves that had a golden trim.

"Kiyone. Be quiet." It was a husky voice from next to blue beard, I guess his hand was on the door opening it farther to revel himself. A pale, tall man that had white hair that matched gray-like eyes. I think that all the store sell the same cloths because he was wearing Kurosaki-kun yutaka and a white coat that went to his heels.

"Captain." She looked up at him "Then…" She looked at me, "Who are you?" She got a suspicious look.

"Ahh. Umm." I moved out of the bed, "I 'm Shirakawa Kaede. Nice to meet you." I mumbled

"I found her lying in the forest when I went walking. I couldn't just leave her there." He started scratching the back of his head, "Something could have happened to her."

I blushed. _'Something…' _I scrambled to my feet, but I couldn't feel the floor on my knees. _'Have I lost my legs again?'_ I noticed that I was in the same clothes as them. The black yutaka. He changed my clothes for me…that means he saw…he's a…he's a… they're… "Perverts!" I said aloud.

"Eh?!" all three of them said at the same time. "N-no, that's not what you think, see it was raining and your clothes were ripped and wet so I had to change them…or…you…would…have…gotten…sick…" He slowed down at the end when he saw I wasn't mad.

"Sorry for accusing you." I said my head hanging down, "You see…Umm…I'm new to this dead thing…" I stopped not knowing how to go on, "and I got lost in the forest."

I heard him smile while the others chuckled. "I see. Well…" his voice trailed off, "You could stay here." Are they some kind of yakuza? Using me as a scape-goat? A decoy?

"But Taicho… She's not a…." Said the girl, looking back at him

"Oh…" I gulped, "It's alright." I avoided eye contact with them, "I can go somewhere else." I felt them stare

"Shirakawa Kaede!" It was Kotsubaki-san, if I heard right, "I'm Kotsubaki Sentarou! And this is Captain Ukitake Joshirou." He said pointing to the long, white haired man, "And this is Kiyone." He pointed to her bored like, his passion stripped from him. "As long as you keep yourself hidden, you can stay here. But now you are warned that this option comes with death."

I had gotten the explanations I wanted. What this place was, why I was here. Soul Society, were people go after they die. The after life basically. Souls land in Rokungai, where I was before I came here, and live their life there. There are 80 districts in all the higher you go the worst it becomes. Murder, stealing, rape. According to my rescuer I was in Kinaki, the 12th district, not so bad but still not the best. There are two types of people too. Death Gods, shinigamis, and Rokungai people. Shinigami's go to an academy to fight off evil, disfigured spirits called Hollows (You know the thing in the hospital Kurosaki-kun fought off.) with that they live in the Court of Pure Souls (Are you really pure if you kill?), their life is easier. But to be a shinigami you need reiatsu, spirit energy (Something I apparently lack). Then there are Rokungai people. The souls that don't have spirit energy and stay in Rokungai all their lives.

Those were the only things I was told other than a bunch of excuses for any situation. Ukitake-kun was nice enough to let me stay in his room until he got me to be a "official" shinigami. Though I still should be cautious, I've never slept in the same room as a guy before, other than Ryosuke-oniichan. But he seems really nice, I shouldn't think like that. If it wasn't for him I'd be dead. Then again I could die if they found out I wasn't a shinigami. They would get in trouble too…Kiyone-chan and Sentarou-kun said they did it because Ukitake-kun said so. But he blew the question right off. _Why are you doing this, Ukitake-kun?_

"Kaede-chan, to help blend you, I should give you a job." Ukitake-kun's voice pierced my thoughts . Just an hour ago he blew off my question. He reached for a paper on a nearby table and read it, "Ah! Give this to Captain Byakuya of Sixth Squad." I nodded and took the letter. Ukitake-kun guided me to the door. As we walked members of the squad, whom had already acknowledged me being a one of them (Which I felt bad for deceiving them, but I should get over it sooner or later.), waved and smiled. I couldn't help but smile even more as I walked away from the building.

I've been walking for what seemed like hours. The streets were a giant maze, not only that but I didn't even know where Byakuya-san's barrack was. It was useless to go on not knowing where to go. I should wait until someone comes, I could ask them for directions. But would that seem suspicious? For someone to claims to be a shinigami to not know where the other barracks are? Sigh. I'm doomed.

"Hey! You, what are you doing loitering 11th squad!?" I looked up to see a man, who had…a "shaved" head. He had a femi-male looking guy next to him.

"I'm Kaede…" He was sort of scary, "of 13th squad." Yeah, They are soooo going to believe that. All they did was stare. Not a 'Yeah, you're lying stare' more like 'there is something about you that doesn't fit your role' I couldn't say anything. Then again this is a whole new place. No one knows me, I could be who I wanted. Then again this is off-topic and I'm forgetting that two men probably ninety my age are suspicious of me.

"So some punk from Rokungai managed to sneak in…" his voice was low and cruel. I stayed quiet as he took my shirt collar. I guess chivalry really is dead. "You don't have a lick of spirit energy but you still insist of saying that." Ukitake-kun told me something about this, spirit energy I mean. He told me that if anyone should question it I should say I have little and I've hidden it. My job is rank and filing. It should work, he said. "I admire that." He broke my thoughts. "You came this far and no one has been alerted." I should show him the letter! I'm so stupid!

"Look!" I grabbed it out of my pocket, "It's to Byakuya-san!"

He took it roughly. "To Kuchiki-taicho…" he read, "This letter is concerning my rank and filing girl, Shirakawa Kaede…I believe she would do better in your squad than mine…" The femi-male had huddled at his shoulder reading along, "signed Ukitake Joushirou." He looked at me and held out his hand. "Sorry 'bout that."

"No problem…" I wasn't fully aware of the situation but I went along with it. "The least you could do is escort me to Sixth squad for your rudeness." The femi-male sighed and muttered something to the bald man.

"Fine, just stop calling her cute…" he said, clearly annoyed

"Is this it, Ikkaku-kun?" I said looking up at the building labeled with a six.

"Yeah." Ikkaku-kun replied

"Alright then, you two stop slacking off, and go back to work." I waved at them. I giggle once they are out of ear-shot. Their personalities are a mix of Ryosuke-oniichan's. Some times, like Yumichika-kun, he inflates his own importance. And sometimes he funny like Ikkaku-kun. But Oniichan was kind and sweet all the time. That's why I loved him so much. Also he-

"Who?" I jolted to see who called had interrupted me. A man who was as tall as Ukitake-kun was there. He had black hair with white things in them, I think they show a sign of nobility. I just realized I had been waving and smiling and ignoring him.

I gulped. This man was so intimidating. "B-B-B-Byakuya-san…?" His onyx eyes fell on me like bricks. "U-U-U-Ukitake-kun wanted me to give this to you!" I held out the letter, but he didn't take it.

"Who are you?"

"Ah. Um! I'm the rank and filing of Ukitake-kun's squad, Kaede. Pleased to meet you." I bowed as he took the letter and opened it. His stone eyes scanned it.

"Ukitake is making decision's unwisely. Where is your Zanpakto?" He questioned after some time. This man…truly and honestly scared me. Not like Ikkaku-kun, he's seen what pain is and it reflects in his cold eyes. _It hurts, doesn't it, Byakuya-san?_

"I-I left it…at the barrack." I whispered, not knowing what a Zanpakto is (I should ask when I get back). Hoping it was something you could leave.

He looked on me, his stone face didn't change. "Foolish girl. You are not suitable to be a shinigami. Not even ranking."

"I don't think that you have the right to say that!" I said. I didn't think something other than me said it. _'Well, one of us had to say something. That guy pisses me off anyway.' _Who?

"Hmph." He said as he walked away from me. _'AH! Don't let him do that! Tell him off! Do it!' _The voice was a mixture of mine, a child's and bitterness, it sounded as if more than one person was talking. I couldn't do what she/it wanted me to do. I started to cry, like the baby I was. Though wet eyes I saw Byakuya-san stop and turn around. _'Geez…' _

"What are you doing?"

"_You made me cry, you big meanie._" my voice came out of my mouth un-willingly. He curled his nose in disgust.

"Follow me." He said walking into his barrack doors. I obeyed him. Slowly walking behind him, I kept my head down as people stared me walking behind their captain. "Renji." He said to a red head in front of him. Bearing tattoos along his hair line, he looked like Kurosaki-kun. You know in that boyish, stubborn way.

"Yeah, Taicho?" he replied

"Take care of the girl." He said walking past "Renji" _'The nerve of that guy!' The other girl _

"My name is Kaede. Nice to meet you, Renji-san." I felt comfortable around him, he looked like Kurosaki-kun but wasn't. Though it made me yearn to hear Kurosaki-kun's voice.

"Yo." He said looking over me, "What do you want?"

"I don't know. I think I was transferred here." I avoided eye contact with him.

"What squad were you in before?"

"13th , Rank and filing" _'Ho. Nice. You act like you've been here all your life. Go You! Me? Us?' _Thank you. I wanted that reaction from people.

"I guess…" he said like he was being burdened, "You new?" He added as he looked down on me

"Yes…I just graduated." I replied

"Hmmm." He said in a sigh, "I guess I'll show you around…" He looked at me, "Being transferred after just a little while…You must suck."

"_Just show me around already!_" Again with this voice…I really, _really_ want to know who or what it is.

"F-fine…" he said in a shock. I smiled to lighten the mood and take everyone's eyes off of us.

Renji-sama is a nice guy, really! He could be mean sometimes though, I mean I was with him for two minutes and he insults me. I guess it was fun being with him, instead of explaining things to me he took me all round Soul Society to see and do things. It was _so_ cool. Matsumoto-chan, a vice-captain like Renji-sama, said it was a date. I started to blush along with Renji-sama. To tell you the truth it was the first time I've been alone with a boy…Was it a date? I kind of hope it was…_my first date. _


	4. Stupid Misunderstandings and Sunsets

**A/N: **Rawr. I went away and when I got back I had writers block…So it's kinda rushed, I'll edit it once I get good ideas…Sorry.

**Forest Level Four:**

**Stupid Misunderstandings and Sunsets**

I stood on the narrow rectangle street, my eyes shut tight. I'm going to school. I'm going to see Kurosaki-kun. He's going to be chatting with Inoue-chan and Asano-kun. I'm going to admire him from afar and Tatsuki-chan will yell at Asano-kun to shut up, Chizuru-chan will hug me and Ayu-chan will punch her off. A normal morning. I open my eyes to see the street again. Soul Society's streets.

I looked up at the perfectly blue sky. Kurosaki-kun, I miss you. Even if you don't miss me please don't forget me. I don't think you care but I had a dairy. I used to write love stories in it. Each was about a different girl, in a different family in different place around the world but in each and every one she'd fall in love with the same Kurosaki Ichigo I love. It's silly, right, Kurosaki-kun? Right? I felt a tears fall from my eyes.

"Again?" I looked up.

I wiped my tears with my sleeve, "S-sorry."

"Why do you cry so much?"

As he walked, I gazed at his back and whispered, "Sad."

"Why are you "sad"?" He turned to walk upward.

"Because…" I choked on my own tears, "I…I…" I stopped myself all together to let out a sob.

He glanced at me, "You you don't want to say it, why do you try so hard?" He walked away from me.

I stared at him as he walked on._ Why do you cry so much?_ Should I have told you Byakuya-kun? That I'm a pathetic, hopeless, klutzy lovesick teenage girl who can't get her mind off a man she'll never get? And that out of all the people I've met in my life you are the most like (After Kurosaki-kun) my brother?

Would you have been able to understand the pain I felt when he was taken away from me? And then when Kurosaki-kun came, did you know all my pain dimmed?

"Something wrong?" Renji-sama's voice came like a bullet.

"No, I'm fine!" I smile and flex my muscles (I don't have any…You get what I'm trying to do!)

"Hmmm. Well, here." He passed me a bento box.

"Huh? But, Renji-sama…What about you?"

"It's alright. I'm not hungry." I opened the box to see everything's burnt.

"Uhh, Renji-sama, did you cook this yourself?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Uh, No reason…" I took a bite, trying my best not to twist my face, "I talked with Byakuya-kun today."

"Taicho? Wha' da he say?"

"Uhh. He asked why I cry too much…"

"You were crying!?" He grabbed my arms, making me drop the horrible bento (Even though I'm thankful he considered me). "Why?!"

"R-Renji-sama…" I closed my eyes to make sure no tears came out, "I was homesick."

"Sick…?" I nodded at him. He got a triumphant look on his face. "Then I know where to take ya'!"

Renji-sama took me to Forth squad. He said they specialize in supply and relief, anytime I'm sick I should go here to get better. I looked around, everyone was doing something, it was…peaceful. It sent a relaxing chill up my back to hear the noise, it was like the streets in Karakura Town. Everyone was happily bustling around, children holding balloons with _Daemon_'s face on it, and housewives chatting away endlessly about other woman. Maybe I could stay at fourth squad, it'd be the closest place to earth (If I'm not on it at least.), and…home.

"C'mon, let's see if someone can take a look at ya'."

"A-ah! R-Renji-sama, I'm _home_sick, not sick, sick!"

"Homesick?"

"I miss my house and friends." I smile and played with my fingers like Hinata-chan.

"Oh. Then let's go."

Eh? I can go home? To Kurosaki-kun and Ayu-chan? "Really, Renji-sama?"

"Yeah. C'mon, Kaede."

"Right!"

I know Renji meant well and it was nice of him to take me to Rokungai, but I didn't really want to go here. "Well, is your sickness gone?" he asked as soon as we got well into 1st district.

"Yes! I'm very happy here with Renji-sama!" I smile big.

He blushed, "T-that's good." He turned his head away as I kept on smiling. "Do ya' wanna see something cool?"

"Something cool?" Before I could say 'yes' he took my hand and ran at a high rate. I saw everything in a blur as Renji-sama pulled me closer his chest. "Renji-sama…" I mummble, getting a little sick of moving so fast.

"We're here." He said. I looked around to see the sunset behind 1st district. I started to giggle.

"It's so pretty, Renji-sama!" I clap my hands as Renji-sama's hands were on my shoulders.

"Y-yeah…"

I broke free of his bound. And sat at the big, old, tree behind us. I patted the seat next to me. Renji-sama stared at me pink in the face, he sat down next to me looking at the same sunset. Hey, Kurosaki-kun. The sunset here is the same as the one back home. I used to watch you looking at them by the lake. That was a time I felt warm and fuzzy inside. I wish I had written that in the letter too, I wish I had told you so mant things before I died. Like when I saw these two guys kissing I couldn't stop watching. I'm weird, right? Do you like weird Kurosaki-kun? I…would change if you told me too. I would do anything you told me, Kurosaki-kun.

"You're crying again."

"Renji-sama…" I wiped my tears, "I'm sor--" He interrupted my sentence as he pulled me into his chest.

"You say that too much." He held his hand to my head, pressing it harder. He smelled like sweat but I didn't mind. My face was burning in the setting sun light.

"Renji-sama, Thank you. For showing me this place, you might not know this but I love sunsets."

No answer.

"A boy I loved used to watch the sunset. And I'd watch it with him, because when he watched the sunset he would smile. And his smile made me smile. I was happy because he was happy. I smiled because he smiled."

He still didn't respond.

I looked up to see him, "Renji-sama?" Small huffs came from him. He was sleeping. I took his hand off of me and sat on my knees. He's so cute, he looks like a child. I rested my head on non-beating heart. And wrapped his arms around me, drifting into a gentle sleep.

Would you be jealous, Kurosaki-kun? That I'm watching the sunset with this gentle, load, loud-mouthed red head? If it were me I'd be jelous that you weren't with me, I think you would, if you loved me…_If_…


	5. Dreams and Reunions

**A/N: **It came out faster! And five, I didn't think I'd make it this far. (I'm going to say that at 10 if I make it there. )

**Forest Level Five:**

**Dreams and Reunions **

**'Only one person fills me completely. I'm happy when that person laughs. I'm happy when that person is at my side. I'm happy when that person is happy. That person is dear and special person. '**

_'And if you don't find your "dear" what will you do?'_

**'It would make my heart ache. I would disappear.'**

_'What if you're his special person?'_

**'I would be happy. '**

_'But you're not.'_

**'That's why I feel this sadness.'**

_'You don't like the sadness.'_

**'I do not.'**

_'I could take it away.'_

**'I want it to stay.'**

_'I understand..' _ Redness filled the dark place where we floated. We, we both floated in that realm. Slowly my eyes opened to see the sunrise. Renji-sama's breathing could still be heard. I broke free of his hold, his arms were heavy.

"Kaede?" I heard when I started to get up.

"Ah, Renji-sama! Good Morning!"

"Yeah, Morning."

I smiled at him, "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah!" He grinned as he got into a better position of sitting. "Wait, sleep? What are ya' doing in my room?" He looked around, "Crap! We were out in the woods all night! Fuck…" he slumped down and covered his eyes with his hand, He made a peak hole, "Hey, just say it was my fault, Kay?"

I smiled, "I've got nothing to lose, so, please, blame it on me."

"Kae--" Before Renji-sama could finish a black blob "attacked" the side of his head.

"You fool!! What are you doing staying out all night!?" The voice sounded familiar but I couldn't remember who it belonged too, or if I even knew this raven haired girl.

"Damnit, Rukia! What the hell!?"

_'Do you feel pain?'_

**'It's not the same pain.'**

_'Loneliness feels different with different people.'_

**'Yes. It hurts, but the pain is scarce.'**

_'Do you want me to take the pain away?'_

**'No. No one can take my pain away, not even me.'**

_'Your pain is a faucet you can turn it off and on. I can turn it off.'_

**'You can not.'**

_'Even if it hurts?'_

**'Yes, even is it hurts I will endure this pain.'**

_'It pains both of us.'_

**'Yes.'**

_'It pain. You love another.'_

**'You'll never be with your love.'**

_'Yes. Never. But why do **you** resist true love?'_

**'My true love.'**

_'Is he your true love?'_

**'I…do not know.'**

_'Maybe he is not.'_

**'Maybe…'**

"Anyways," Mt eyes shot open, the light came into my eyes like soapy water, the girls voice ripped in, "Nii-sama is fuming, Renji." Nii…-sama?

"You'd better go back, Renji-sama. Running isn't going to help anything." I learned the hard way.

"Oh? Your smart." I sensed sarcasm in her voice.

"Y-yeah."

Byakuya-kun was annoyed about having to put his vice-captain in a containment-cell. "All she is doing is causing trouble for me." I heard him say to Ukitake-kun, who had rushed over, worried. I put my heard down at his words.

"Don't worry, Kaede-chan, he just has a short temper. He's not _really_ mad at you." He smiled and patted my head. "Just stay in the cell with Renji-fukutaicho until tomorrow morning." He chuckled and winked, "Sense you enjoy his company so much."

"U-Ukitake-kun! I-it isn't like that, I just fell asleep!" I flailed my arms.

"Ah, but your red in the face."

"Anyone would be!" I tugged roughly at his jacket. It was nice, I felt like I had a dad or a big brother again. It's really nice. Really, really, REALLY nice.

"Kaede-chan, your like a child." He muttered to himself, At least I think it was to himself.

"Ukitake-kun…" I started, "Don't you have work to do?"

"I've got Kiyone and Sentarou on it." He smiled, "I've got to go to a emergency captains meeting."

"Oh, O.K., Bye, Ukitake-kun." I dipped myself low

"Bye, Kaede-chan" He waved as he walked away from me. He stopped, "Oh! When your sentence is over, please come by my room."

I nodded, "O.K." and he smiled.

It's odd. How being trapped in a damp, dark, cold cell with a fiery man makes you remember, thing so well. I remember when I first had a crush on a boy. I went down in flames. He said, "I'm sorry. Your cute and all but your not really my type. Sorry again, Kaede-chan." Ever sense then I've never been good at saying my feelings, Ayu-chan says some time shouldn't stop me but…Haha, I'm just that type of person. So Kurosaki-kun, When love is lost in your world and you can not set yourself free, hold me in your heart, and I'll find it. Wherever it is. And even…even if it's not for me, think of me at night and remember me in the morning. Please, fulfill my selfish wish. Because I love you.

I looked at Renji-sama. He's been quiet the whole time. I rest the side of my side on my knees, "Hey, Renji-sama…"

"Yeah?" He looked up from polishing his sword with his bandana.

"I'm sorry your in here."

He grinned like a child, "Nah, it was my fault."

"But…"

"No buts about it." He kept grinning.

"Then could I ask you something?"

"Sure…?" He sounded uncertain.

"Have you ever love someone?"

"L-love?" He shuddered. As much of a front as he tried to put up, he's such a softie.

"Yes. And when they are away from you it hurts so much," I put a hand on my heart, "here."

He looked uneasy, "Well…"

"If you don't want to answer it, you don't have too. It's stupid anyways." I flashed a smile.

"….Tell me who you love."

I blushed, "M-Me?"

"Yeah, by the way you ask you seem like you really like someone. Who?"

I took a deep breath to prevent crying. I'll never be will him. It hurts, "I-I love," I paused as Renji-sama stared, I gulped, "…Ku--" I was interrupted by a voice in the hallway.

"HAH! Renji was put in a cell for fooling around with a girl!?" This voice is…impossible. It can't be. "I've got to say something to him!" The door burst open, "REN…" He stared at me and slowed down, "…ji…"

"Kurosaki-kun!?" I shot up.

"Kaede!?!?!"

What in the world is going on here…


	6. Reflections and Rejection

**A/N: **I'm losing motivation to write...

**Forest Level Six:**

Reflections and Rejection

You came. You really, really came.

Renji-sama shot right past me and clenched the wooden bars of the cells. "How do you know her?" I closed my eyes trying to escape this confusion. But my ear could hear, perfectly. I felt dizzy. Woozy. Sad. Then I fell, into the darkness of my mind.

It was dark and cold. It was snowing and I looked as she stared longingly at Kurosaki Clinic. She was looking up at it. The snow that fell on her cloths stuck out. She was dressed for the season, but she was in all black. A dark snowflake in a winter paradise. Her hair was a little longer than mine, around mid-back. Creamy orange tied in pigtails going straight down.

_"It hurts, it hurts." _She mumbled, clenching her heart. _"It hurts to not be wanted." _She looked at me, _ "It hurts to not be loved by your dearest."_

**"Maybe, he wasn't your love."**

_"When I left. He worried about me. He came for me. It made me happy."_

I looked at the opening door of the clinic, a boy around eight, Kurosaki-kun, and a young woman around 30, his mother. They walked down the path to the street. They went right though the girl. She didn't move. She didn't blink. She didn't breath. A soft smile appeared_. "Remember went he held your hand. How did you feel?"_

I remembered when I was ten and sick. Kurosaki-kun held my hand all the way to the nurses office. **"I felt fuzzy and warm inside. Like someone turned on a heater in my heart."**

_"What would you do for that to happen again?"_

**"Anything."**

She turned away and slowly walked as she disappeared. I saw her faintly, and her voice echoed,_ "Good." _

I should ask for her name. The next time we meet.

I walked. I walked far and far. But I didn't know where to go, there were a lot of doors but I didn't know which was the right one. They all felt wrong, so I walked. It was different here than the other places here it was…confusing. Everywhere I went I wanted to break down and cry but I didn't, I closed my eyes and imagined what made me happy. _Kurosaki-kun, Renji-sama, Ayu-chan, everyone. _I chanted over and over in my head

_"**Wah…**"_I heard a echo on sniffles. A small, crouching human shadow in the darkness appeared. I started walking forward. A child with short orange haired and a black dress with decorations on the hem appeared. The dress blended with the darkness.

**"Are you lost?"** I crouched down.

_"**I've been lost for a long, long time. I've been all by myself.**_" I stared at her, _"**Will you go to the light, lady? I'm scared, I'm a crybaby.**"_

**"That's not it, anyone would be scared being in a dark place like this all by themselves." **I breathed and smiled, **"Let's go together."**

_"**No! They'll all laugh at me, I have to go down!**" _She pointed down to the darkness we were standing on. She sunk down, _"**I don't want everybody to laugh at me.**"_

**"_I_ won't laugh."**

She looked at me, _"**You promise that the light won't hurt?**"_

**"I promise." **I put a hand over my heart and smiled.

_"**Will you come with me, Big Sister?**" _She said clinching my robes. _"**I'm really scared.**"_

**"Yup, I don't want to be alone anymore too."**

I could tell she was about to cry, _**"We're not alone anymore, we have each other!**" _A white light appeared in front of us. She backed up, _"**I'm a baby, I'm too scared to go.**"_

**"Me too." **I walked closer and held out an arm, **"But this feels nice and warm. I want to go here."**

She took my arm and walked in. As we walked in to the light I felt her hand disappear from mine, _"**Thank you, Big Sister, This feels nice. I'm not scared or lonely. I hope that you get your wish to come true. Just search a little harder and you'll find it. Only a little harder.**" _She breathed and in a peppy voice she shouted, _"**Bye-bye, Big Sister Kaede!"**_

**"Bye!" **Ibeamed. I could hear her happily giggle.

My eyes slowly opened the white light hung over my head. I felt pressure on my lower legs. I slowly got up to see Kurosaki-kun and Renji-sama at me feet, sleeping. They look so cute when they sleep, like children. But…once they wake up I'll have to face reality. Truth, guilt, rejection, heartbreak, loneliness. Every night on a star, I wished the world could be my fantasy. I made the rules, everybody had a home and food, and they all found their true love. And sometimes I would stay up at night to hear the rain fall and I would imagine Kurosaki-kun, who hates the rain.

"Kurosaki-kun…"

"Time will make you forget about me." His face was buried in the covers. He can't even look at me, "Just wait."

"I know in reality we can't be together, so I just close my eyes and you're right here with me... in my dreams you're mine forever."

"Kaede…" He said. He won't even bring his head up to see me. "Please, just forget about me."

"I wish…I could." I said went down on my pillow, "It's hard to tell my mind to stop loving someone if my heart still does." Tears streaked down my face. But…what's odd is that I want to turn to the only person who can stop me from crying even if that's the one who is making me cry.

"Your love…" I heard him whisper, "Should go to someone who can return your feelings."

"Mmmmnnnm." I nodded getting up to let the tears out faster.

"But, if we could, I'd like to be friends." He shifted his head to see me. His eyes shined and his smile was so sweet. He was like an angel. I wish that that he would confess his undying love to me, right then and there.

"So, should I smile because you're my friend or cry because it will never be?"

He slowly got up, "Well, I think…you should smile." He put on hand on my head and had a huge grin on, "Because that's what I like to see the most!"

"Kurosaki-kun…" I hugged his waist gently not wanting to wake Renji-sama on my legs, "Thank you so much…because I loved you I know that this life is worth living, because I'll find my love one day."

"Kaede…" Even if I just crashed and burned, It didn't matter, being here with Kurosaki-kun, felt good.

I remember what my mother would tell me, _'The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up.' _Mother, I don't think I've woken up yet, because I haven't found my love yet. Until then, I will dream.

"Uh, Kaede, not to ruin the mood but why _were_ you and Renji out until morning?"

Kurosaki-kun…were friends, right? Then friends can play jokes on friends, "We're lovers." I giggled.

"WHAT!?!"

"What's going on?" said Renji-sama sleepily.

I think things are going to work out fine. **_I think._**


	7. Happy Family Planning and Talking

**A/N: **Haven't published in a while, I ran out of ideas. I hope this one is good. So forgives mes, kay? )

**Forest Level Seven:**

Happy Family Planning and Talking

**But if I'm over Kurosaki-kun, then why does it still hurt that I can't be with him? **

_Rejection hurts._

**I know but…**

_Pain is pain._

**No, it is not.**

_Really?_

**Yes.**

_Maybe your not seeing out of normal eyes, Kaede._

**I don't want to seem to important but I'm not really all that normal.**

_How so?_

**I'm just different from everyone else, in a better way.**

_You've gotten more confident in yourself. _

**He he, You think?**

_Yes. Soon enough… there won't be any need for me._

__

Kurosaki-kun didn't try to avoid me. He hovered around wherever I went (Renji-sama was doing it too.). It felt good, maybe I fell into a happier place, where I didn't have to worry about anything. I remember what he said in the ambulance. _I don't know why but I felt I was responsible for Kaede. She was always defenseless. She was like a little sister. _I smiled a little. I want to be Kurosaki-kun's defenseless little sister, so he can protect me from evil.

Even if he'll never love me, being able to listen to be around him is enough. But I feel sort of…trivial. Loving Kurosaki-kun gave me the energy to go though the day. Can it do that even though were just "friends"? Sigh. I don't think it so. That's why I've been feeling so down, maybe if Ayu-chan was here she would have made me feel better and told me there are other boys out there just for me. And I could have spent the whole night crying with her than by myself.

I should stop moping around the place like the living dead (You know what I mean.), and be more useful to everyone. Lately, I've only caused trouble for Renji-sama, Byakuya-kun, Ukitake-kun and even Kurosaki-kun. But even though all that I still only feel sorry for myself. I'm being useless again, I was ridiculous for thinking I was helping anyone. I couldn't do anything right. Even when I meant good I'd do bad. I'm just hopeless.

__

The first step to "Rejection Recovery" (Or ironically R&R as Renji-sama puts it) is to get away from anything that reminds you that person. Renji-sama said I should list them.

**Things I Should Avoid:**

**1.) **Karakura Town

**2.) **Orange Things.

**3.) **Lakes.

**4.) **Hospitals and ambulances

**5.) **Court of Pure Souls

Renji-sama had a hard time figuring out what an ambulance was but I told him that he didn't need to worry about it. All I could think of was, This is nice. This is really, really nice. Renji-sama doesn't even know that Kurosaki-kun broke my heart, but when I asked him how to mend a broken heart, he told me how to fix those type of hearts without asking questions. I didn't know how to thank him so I started crying. I know I'm being a nuisance but guess I'm so emotionally unstable, I couldn't bring myself to stop.

"K-Kaede…" Renji-sama hesitated to put his arms around me. "If being in The Court of Pure Souls is breaking your heart, then we'll go to Rokungai. Far, far into Rokungai."

"Renji…-sama." I didn't know if I should return the hug. But I did anyway.

He held me a little tighter. "Let's go into the forest. There are no towns, orange items, hospitals or Court of Pure Souls. We'll avoid any lakes we see."

I have never seen Renji-sama act this way. He seemed so worried about me. I couldn't help but hate myself for thinking this was creepy. "Mmm. Okay."

I heard him smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kaede."

__

I can't sleep. I was so busy thinking how fun it would be camping with Renji-sama that I didn't think about the consequences. Before, I got Renji-sama in trouble with Byakuya-kun, I don't want it to happen again. (Byakuya-kun already hates me). But…I couldn't tell Renji-sama I didn't want to go, he's trying really hard to help me. Sigh, I just need someone to talk to. Someone kind, polite, and would listen no matter what (That's not Renji-sama).

I decided I would go to Ukitake-kun's barrack. Ukitake-kun helped me put a lot, I basically owe him my life. I wasn't even thinking when I left sixth squad base. So, as you may guess, I was completely lost in the middle of a place that looks like a giant, circular maze (I saw the map). At first, I decided to go north, it always leads somewhere. But what would I do then, the other squads might get mad for waking them so late at night. What am I to do?

"H-hey, girlie…you lost?" I was so into my thoughts I hadn't noticed the man. I looked around to see where I was. Let's see, Eleven…That rings a bell.

"Y-yes." I know I shouldn't talk to strangers, but these are comrades, right?

He chuckled a little. "Do ya' nud shum help?" It doesn't take a genius to spot the beer bottle and tell this guy was drunk.

I was taught myself what to do in this situation. Try to leave casually without conflict (Rule #56 of KBBoP Kaede's Big Book of Protection). "No, I think I can get it." I smile, "I can't learn anything without doing it myself." I think I set this one up for myself.

"Y-you rully cun't, cun you?" He said taking a clumsy step forward, spilling what was left of his alcoholic drink of me. "Hod you luck it uf I tught you sum syuff?" He said chuckling. "You arr a cyute un."

I shook my head. "N-no thank you."

"Ooh. You arr so polite." He stepped forward, and reached out to me. "Dun be so bash--"

Someone suddenly bashed him over the head. "Damn drunks," he turned to me, "You okay?"

"Ikkaku-kun!" I smiled, "I'm so glad! Thank you."

"W-whoa, Kaede-chan…I didn't think you were a person who enjoyed the nightlife."

I ignored his comment. "Um, Ikkaku-kun, do you know where Ukitake-kun's squad base is?"

"Ukitake-taicho?" Ikkaku-kun looked at me, "They couldn't. I thought she liked Renji, wow, she's impressive. Two at once." He mumbled to himself. (I didn't need to hear it.)

"It's not like that. I just have an important message for him, that's all."

He looked ay me and smiled like he didn't believe me. "Right, well, this way."

__

Once I got to Ukitake-kun's door, I noticed tat Ukitake-kun has to be asleep, plus I reek of beer (I didn't drink any though!). But, I'm really feeling horrible inside (Plus I get depressed at random times I'm **sure** it's not my…lady's time.) I _need_ him. I knocked on his door gently. He instantly answer.

"Kaede-chan? What's wrong? You smell of alcohol." He looked at me, "You enjoy the nightlife?"

I shook my head. "No, I wanted to talk." I look at him, "Is that okay?"

"It's not a problem, come in." He said moving out of the door way.

"Thank you." His room wasn't any different than when I first came. The bed looked like someone had just gotten out of it (Kind of obvious.)

"What did you need to talk about?" He said as he handed me a towel to keep warm and motioned for me to sit with him.

I hugged him because I didn't want to look him in the face or let him see me cry. "Well…" I didn't know how to start, so I should tell him the whole story. "There was this boy name Kurosaki Ichigo-kun…"

_10 minutes later._

"I see." Ukitake-kun put his arms around me. "You're being very courageous about his." Somehow listening to Ukitake-kun say this made it true. His voice was load and quiet, strong and frail. Cheery yet wise. It was amazing. I wished mine could be like his (except for girls). "Now, we should sleep, it's very late."

"Mmm. Okay."

He fixed up his bed then pulled back the cover, "You sleep here, it's too late for you to go back by yourself."

"N-no, what about yourself?"

He laughed. "I have an extra futon."

"Then I'll use that!"

"No, no." He grabbed me and gently put me to my knees. I got into bed as Ukitake-kun got his extra futon. For a sickly man, he sure is strong.

__

After few minutes the lights were off and we were supposes to be asleep. But I couldn't get the question out of my mind.

"What's the nightlife?"


	8. Kiss Me? and Sickness

**A/N: Unmei no Tenshi : **I know, I know. x3 It's just she doesn't get that Byakuya and Ukitake are captains, and since Renji's her close (and only) friend (in Soul Society), she feels like she needs to give him more respect him. If it bothers you, I'll change it.

**Forest Level Eight:**

Kiss Me? and Sickness

_Are these tears for your loved one, or for yourself ?_

**I do not know.**

_If they are for a loved one they are beautiful._

**What if I cry for myself?**

_Then they are ugly and impure._

**What if I cry for both?**

_They cannot mix._

**But, what if I feel as though my heart is filled with shattered pieces of glass?**

_We will do what we always do._

**What is that?**

_Run.

* * *

_

I woke up when the sun hadn't raised, but it was day light. (Basically, every early morning). Even though it took me a while, I remembered why wasn't in my room. I had gone to see Ukitake-kun. Suddenly , I felt embarrassed and relived. I had finally told someone about Kurosaki-kun, but…now, Ukitake-kun must think I am some obsessive freak. Sigh. There's no way to fix a problem without causing another.

I debated with myself about whether I should go or not. If I'm found in his bed (Or, moreover, not in mine) someone is going to panic, and somehow I know both of us are going to be punished for it. I don't want someone important to me to get punished for my stupidity again. Will Ukitake-kun think I don't like him if I leave without telling him? Will he think something bad happened to me? Wahh! Why did I spend the night with a man?

"Good morning, Kaede-chan." I looked up to see Ukitake-kun smiling at me.

"Good morning." I rose up. I'm at mid-chest when compared to Ukitake-kun.

"Follow me, I want to show you something." I followed Ukitake-kun outside to the outer hallway. "Sit."

I sat down obediently. The sun looks so…new when it rises. "How beautiful!" I turned my head to face Ukitake-kun. "Isn't it?"

"It is." He put my face in his shoulder, "But there are things that are more beautiful." He held me for a while then let me go. He looked guilty, "Sorry…"

"It's really no problem…" I smiled at him nervously (I didn't mean it to be!)

He smiled and leaned forward. I didn't flinch when he kissed my forehead. All I could think is, Why did he, "Kiss me." I didn't know why (Or how) that came out of my mouth. Maybe somewhere deep inside me, I wanted Ukitake-kun to kiss me…Do I love Ukitake-kun?

Ukitake-kun cheeks turned a red-pink color. "I-If you want me to…"

Ukitake-kun kissed me on the lips.

* * *

"Eh? Renji-sama is sick?" I didn't know that dead people could get sick. "Is he alright?"

"He has a high fever." The doctor put on a reassuring smile. "That's all."

I bowed slightly. "Thank you for your hard work."

"It was nothing, Kaede-san." He looked around and whispered, "He isn't supposed to have visitors, but, since you're Renji-san's girlfriend, I'll let you go in."

I didn't bother to correct him since I wanted to see if Renji-sama was really okay. "Thank you very much."

He smiled again and opened the door to Renji-sama's room. "Go, go."

I walked into the room and closed the door behind me. Don't take this the wrong way but, thank goodness he's sick. I want him to be healthy but…after what happened I don't think I could spend so much time alone with him without saying something about me and Ukitake-kun kissing (It sounds so odd…). My woman's intuition says that I should keep quiet about it. I feel so deceitful, Renji-sama probably has some secrets but none of them have anything to do with me. Ukitake-kun is Renji-sama's comrade, and we just happened to kiss. (Really, he kissed me, but that sound conceited.)

"Renji-sama, are you alright?"

I expected him to be asleep. "Kaede…" His voice sounded so weak. It's nothing like the Renji-sama I know. I suddenly couldn't breath. _Kaede…Save me…Make the pain go away…Please. _I could feel sweat starting to form. "Kaede…!" I heard Renji-sama shout (Well, as loud as a sick man can yell). He started to get out of bed.

I did my best to get air. "I-I'm sorry, Renji-sama…" I walked and sat by his bed. "I'm alright. Really."

Renji-sama looked at me like I was crazy. "You sure?"

I nodded and smiled. "Yes." _I think we should tell Renji about Ryousuke, we shouldn't be keeping such big secrets._ That strange voice again...Is it me talking to myself? "Hey, Renji-sama, do you want to hear a story?"

He looked at me like I was going to tell him something...Well, not pleasant. "About what?"

"Someone very, very important to me."


	9. Bed Side Manners and Long Nights

**Forest Level Nine:**

Bed Side Manners and Long Nights

_Secrets that have been caged in your heart._

**It's better that way.**

_They lock themselves away, attacking you from inside. Why can't you accept that the past is over? It is frightening?_

…**I don't understand.**

_Why do you cling to, depend on, love, a person you will never see again?_

**Because…He was the one person who ever needed me.**

_Isn't that selfish? Loving a person because they depended on you. _

**That's…**

_Not the same?_

**No…**

* * *

"My brother wasn't really my brother, not by blood at least. My mother had found him in the park unconscious, covered in blood and sweat. She brought him home without looking for his parents, she thought, no, she knew that they had been abusing him," I paused to see if Renji-sama had fallen asleep, he was awake and listening. "I had been away on a trip with my father so when I found him sleeping on a futon in my room, I panicked. My mom came and calmed me down and told me that I had a brother now. This might seem odd but, I was jealous. He got better grades than me, and he was more well behaved, and athletic, too. Compared to him, I felt like nothing."

"But he wasn't as good as we all thought. At school, he expelled because he had beaten up a bully to near death. You'd think this was the time I'd rejoice but…it was because of me. The other guy was picking on me when he came by, I felt even worse that he had gotten in trouble because of me," I paused to try and stop myself from crying. "When they asked him to explain himself, he didn't speak. He never spoke, not once. He was expelled from Karakura Elementary and was sent to another school. I didn't know how to voice my thanks to him, I didn't even think a simple thanks could cut it but…"

_"T-thank you." I whispered that night. By this time, my parents thought it would be better if he didn't sleep in a room by himself, they thought he would commit suicide. My father had brought a bed into my room for him to sleep._

_I didn't think he would respond since he didn't talk to my mother, I didn't think he'd talk to me. But I knew I had to say something. "There's…no need to thank me."_

_His voice was quiet and sincere. I couldn't help but smile. "That was amazing though. Did your dad teach you how to fight?"_

_He flinched in the darkness. "No…he didn't." _

_I was really a naïve child. "Where are your parents?"_

_"At…home." He said. I thought he might add 'probably' but that was it. They were at home. Without their son there, though back then I wasn't so smart. He realized I didn't get it. "My parents…hate me. They hit me and insult me…and then told me to never come back but I still love them."_

"I regret asking about his parents. That was the first time he spoke in my house and I made him remember terrible things." I let tears fall.

Renji-sama hoisted himself up from his bed and I felt his arms around me. "I'm sorry. I can't think of a way to make you happy."

I didn't say anything for a while, then I returned his hug. "Thank you for being such a good friend." Renji-sama twitched, but didn't say anything. I smiled to lighten the mood. "You should go to sleep, the sun is setting." He got himself into bed. And looked at me and opened his mouth to say something but he shut it. "Huh?"

"Will…you stay by my side all night?" He didn't look at me and his face was going red.

I blinked and smiled. "Of course."

* * *

Renji-sama had went to sleep faster than I thought. Renji-sama looked so innocent when he asked me to stay, I don't think I could walk out that door tomorrow morning. Renji-sama's hair looks like a fire never finding that inner peace that it longs for. He needs something to keep him going in life. I wonder what motivates him so much to keep doing his best all the time? If I could find it, then I'd thank it for helping Renji-sama be Renji-sama.

I wonder how Ayu-chan is. I can only guess I've been gone for three weeks. Does she miss me? Or is it better that I'm gone? I've always been holding her down, ever since we were children. I glanced down on Renji-sama. Am I holding him down too? I hope not. I don't want to leave Renji-sama. Never. The only people that have ever been this kind to me were my parents, my brother and Ayu-chan.

I broke out of my thoughts when someone walked inside the room. "You." I didn't have to turn around to recognize the person. There's only one person who calls me 'you'.

I shifted my head to meet his. "Good…evening." I managed to gulp. He intimidated me. His cold look, emotion-less face, and hard voice. It all frightened me so much, I started to cry. It took his face to tell me the reality, I was all alone. All alone and scared.

"Why do you always shed tears when I'm nearby?" He started, "Do I frighten you?"

I wanted to tell him but I slowly shook my head. "No, it's just…"

He looked at me. He has such cheerless eyes. They were…hollow. Maybe we're the same. Losing a person so close to our heart, locking our emotions away to make sure no one sees that we're suffering so much inside. Putting up a wall of nothingness, hating yourself for not being able to do anything. I wonder if we'll ever forgive ourselves.

We sat in the silence for a while, all the time Byakuya-kun seemed to look like something as bothering him. Like he was remembering something painful. I had…I just had to say something to him. "B-Byakuya-kun…If…if you ever have a problem, y-you can tell me…" I quickly added, "I won't laugh."

He shifted toward me and stared. I hate his stare. It's like carrying bricks on your back, I sincerely and genuinely hate it. "I have no intentions of telling you anything of my personal sort."

"O-oh. I understand, it's just…" I smiled at him, "Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on."

We sat in the silence a little longer. "I detest…" he started, "looking at the ill." He said finally.

I gulped and stared at him. "W-why?"

It wasn't instantly, but he finally said, "It reminds me of my wife."

Byakuya-kun is married? Why…why does this make me sad? When I looked up at him, he just sitting there, maybe wondering if he's said too much. "Thank you for telling me." I smiled at him a little, "It makes me feel that you like me a little."

He looked at me for a quick second, "I never stated that I disliked you."

I stayed quiet for a moment then smiled. "…You're right, you never did say anything like that."

Byakuya-kun talked to me for a while longer. It all somehow made me happier.

* * *

I woke up with a blanket over me. The door opened and Renji-sama came in. "R-Renji-sama! You should be in bed, you have a fever!"

He grinned. "Don't worry. I'm fine now…" he stopped and turned red. "Thanks…for taking care of me."

"No problem." I smiled. Renji-sama, I'm glad you're better. I would have been terrified if anything bad should have happened to you.

I got up and heard Renji-sama laugh a little. I cocked by head, "Huh?"

"Kaede, did you know," he paused, "you feel asleep with your head on Kuchiki-taichou's lap."

"Eh!?"


	10. Mixed Emotions and Innovative Sentiments

**A/N:**God...I haven't published in a while. My bad. I have too much school work and a pissy pregnant teacher who hates everyone.

**Forest Level Ten:**

Mixed Emotions and Innovative Sentiments

**Only if…**

_If he were to say he loved you, would you accept?_

**I…I would.**

_Even after he broke your heart, you would still love him?_

…**Yes.**

_Why, after he caused you so much pain?_

**Because I love him.**

_When will you stop loving?_

**I don't think I'll ever stop loving him.**

_Why you say 'him' do you really mean Kurosaki or is it someone else?_

* * *

  
Renji-sama and I went camping the next day. It felt good to be around Renji-sama. Renji-sama who is so brave and kind. The one that has a longing look in his eye. The same one who panicked every time I stayed silent for too long or got exhausted. And when we reached a small pond grabbed my hand and ran off like there was something poisonous in it.

And, speaking of poison, "Kaede-chan, could you please move your arm a little?" Who would have guessed that I came in contact with poison ivy, a-ha-ha… (other than the fact the spirit world is hundreds of years behind, it isn't all to different from the real world is it?)

"Okay."

As she bandaged my arm she said, "You came here alone?"

I nodded. "Yes, Renji-sama has a lot paperwork but he felt really guilty when I told him."

"Normally, he would have just told someone to be more careful." She smiled, "But he really is nice to you, Kaede-chan."

"It's because we're friends." I said, smiling.

She looked at me sadly and sighed as she patted my arm telling me she was finished, "I guess that's what he sees in you."

I cocked my head. "What?"

She got up and walked away, "Nothing, nothing."

* * *

Renji-sama had fallen asleep already. I don't blame him, he's been working since daybreak. Then he sent he whole afternoon with me, then worked some more. He hasn't had any time to rest at all. Maybe Byakuya-kun was right, I am just causing trouble for everyone. I…don't mean to, I've been trying to help, but it always ends up in disappointment. If it wasn't for Renji-sama, I'd be somewhere in the middle of this giant maze of a place, dying.

I woke up in the middle of the night, holding Renji-sama's hand. For a while I just stared into the faint moonlight and listened to Renji-sama's breathing. If…this is the place where the people who have died go then…somewhere out there is Mother, Father and Onii-chan. And if I find them we'll be a family again. I stopped and shifted my eyes to Renji-sama in the darkness. I-I couldn't leave Renji-sama like that. Not like that.

My head felt cloudy and my face was burning. I put my hand on my forehead and shook my head. I'm just too warm. I looked down to my feet and then my cloths. I hadn't even changed before I feel asleep. In the darkness, I remembered that Ukitake's kiss. I touched my lips with my free hand. I haven't seen him in a while. Maybe he's avoiding me. Maybe he thinks I'm mad at him. I'm not angry at all, even if he did steal my first kiss. Ukitake-kun was so kind to me, without him I'd be starving somewhere, homeless and crying. Ukitake-kun is my savior. I can never be angry at him. Never.

I slowly slipped my hand out of Renji-sama's. I carefully slipped out of the sheet one sheet we shared, making sure not to wake Renji-sama. It's so warm in that room, I need a little air. I was wobbling as I walked out the front gates. One of the guards looked at me, "H-hey…Are you okay to go alone, Shirakawa?" he stepped forward a little, "Renji-fukutaichou would kill us if anything happened to you."

"I-I'm fine, really." He muttered something as I left. I used the wall as a support as I walked down the streets. I moved from street to street until I didn't know where I was anymore. It's getting harder and harder to walk. Maybe walking wasn't the smartest thing to do.

After a while I noticed I didn't know where I was. Since I was always with Renji-sama I never needed to know where I was. What should I do? Last time I wandered by myself I ended up being saved by Ikkaku-kun, but this time I might not be so lucky. I-I'll just go north and hope I don't bump into anyone like before. Sigh. I just hope things go my way this time. "Shouldn't you be resting?" The voice was hard, low and melancholy. It was a little hazy at first but as my eyes focused Byakuya-kun appeared.

I hadn't noticed it until now. The coldness of the sky and how silent it was tonight. Not a normal silence. This one was bitter and sad. And frightening. I can hear all the thing I regret, the things I hate, the things I lost. And it was strange that Byakuya-kun fit into it so well. "I…was walking."

"The moon is brilliant tonight." He simply said. He's like a broken door, it's cracked but you can never see what's really inside. Yes. That's what Byakuya-kun is.

I said, turning towards him, "It's the same moon that everyone sees. No matter where they are. It's amazing, isn't it?"

He eyed me. "Yes." He paused, "It's remarkable."

"I always wonder who else was staring at the moon at the same time I am." I instantly wished I hadn't said that. My face felt warmer than before. Now he must think I'm childish.

"That is…something to think about." He said after a awhile. I don't know why but I smiled a little.

I stopped smiling. "I-I should be getting back." He stood there and nodded. It's not like I wanted him to stop me…or did I? Thinking about all of this, my head started to spin a little. I wobbled then it was black.

* * *

I woke up in a strange room. All I could remember was Byakuya-kun and taking a few steps. I must have blacked-out. As I got out of the futon a folded wet rag came off my forehead. I held it in my hands for a moment, then stared out the window. The moon wasn't shining anymore. I looked around the room. All there was was a desk and a bed.

I walked over to the bed. It looked like no one had slept in it tonight. I walked over to the desk, and saw some sort of journal. I'm not into invading personal property but this is for investigative purposes. Remember: I'm the one that was kidnapped (I think…haha…). It seemed to be flipped to a page already. I gulped, hoping I wouldn't be caught. I glanced at it.

_September 17__th _

_Every time I gaze at her, I see a little girl who believes the world is a good place. I see a vivid light in her eyes that burns through her coyness. It feels as if she believes that everybody has good in them and the darkness is just a place that radiance has not yet gone. Yet, whenever I think of her, I feel as if I have betrayed Hisana whom gave me love innocent, trusting and unselfish. How many more lonely year must I meander by until I learn she will never come back? It may be all for nothing, she does not even seem to want to approach me, or better yet I cannot approach her._

I stopped reading and went back to the futon. Something in my heart started to ache. This person…it just like me. Unrequited love, in love…and not being able to say how you feel. I lied down and stared at the ceiling. I-I wish that I'd never read that. I hope that things go better for this person than things yet for me. At least one person deserves to be happy. While I was thinking, the door opened to reveal a woman. She walked to me and smiled.

"You were asleep for a while." She said, putting her hand on my forehead. She wasn't old but she wasn't young either. She was wearing a crepe kimono, she has brown hair tried in a bun and her voice was as clear as water. That's all I can really say about her.

I peeked at her. "Was I?"

She smiled again, "Yes. I think you worried Kuchiki-sama," she laughed, "What a sight!"

Kuchiki-sama…that means…"This is Byakuya-kun's room?!" I blurted.

She jumped a bit. "Y-Yes it is." She regained her posture and smiled, "I'm Etsui Seiko. Nice to meet you."

"Oh…um, I'm Shirakawa Kaede. Nice to meet you, too." I gazed at her, "Um, Seiko-san…"

"Yes?"

"I should be going now. Um, please tell Byakuya-kun thank you for me."

She looked at me and nodded. "If that's what you'd like."

* * *

Byakuya-kun lived in a big house outside of the Court of Pure Souls. Seiko-san insisted that I be walked back just in case I black out or suddenly get another fever. I refused. Now I wish I hadn't. I have no clue where I am. This place doesn't even look like the Rokungai Renji-sama showed me a while back. It was surrounded my a field with a single road leading downwards. I decided I should follow this path.

I wonder if Renji-sama noticed I was gone. It was well into noon (to my best knowledge, there are no clocks here…) so I think he should be awake. I wonder if he cares. I mean spending all your days with the same person must be a pain (not like I feel that way about Renji-sama or anything). I wonder if Byakuya-kun noticed I left. Then what Seiko-san said came into my head. _'I think you worried Kuchiki-sama' _Byakuya-kun was worried…about me? He doesn't seem like he cares for much. I shook it off and walked on. _I should focus on getting back, _I thought nodding. But just which way is that?

After hours of endless search I decided to ask someone where I was and which way to the Court of Pure Souls. I assumed they'd think I was lost and not ask anything. I was glad I was back. The first thing I should do is see Renji-sama. Now I have to figure out how to get there. Sigh. I'm horrible with directions. "Kaede!!" I looked off in the distance.

"Ah! Renji-sama! Hello!" I smiled. I'm saved. Renji-sama is the best!

After he had reached me he instantly said, "Where were you?! You were gone for days!"

I blinked. _'You were asleep for a while'_ I-I thought she meant hours… "A-ah, sorry. I went out for a walk and fainted." I laughed awkwardly. No one would believe that.

He sighed and put his hands on my shoulders. "I guess…it's all right as long as your okay."

Renji-sama started to lead me back to the barrack. In the sunset, I could see him clearly enough. His eyes had dark bags underneath them and he was wobbling while he walked. He looked sleep deprived. Did…he stay up for me? When we got back to the sixth squad station. I told him he needed to sleep before he hurts himself. He just said he was fine and told me he was going to 'patrol' tonight.

I stared at him. "I know you do this often but...please be careful." I remembered how my lifeless body looked, "Please."

He patted my head and grinned, "I'll be back, I promise."

And that was it.

* * *

I was worried. It was so dark and Renji-sama still hasn't come back. I constantly looked out the window. Renji-sama…he shouldn't even be out there. I kept on thinking of all the things that could have happened to him. Then I saw his lifeless body. I felt like slapping myself. He…wouldn't die. He can't die…can he? I wanted to cry but I stopped myself. I have to be strong…for once.

"Renji will not die."

I jumped and looked back to see Byakuya-kun. "I know…but I can't help being worried." I looked downward, "He didn't look to well when he left."

"He waited for you." He said flatly.

"I-I know." I remembered back to Byakuya-kun's house, "Thank you for helping me before." He didn't do say anything. He just sat beside me and watched the rain fall. I thought about Byakuya-kun's journal. Is this person beside me the same lovesick man who wrote those words? I peeked at him then smiled. I hope you end up with the person you love Byakuya-kun. I really hope you do.

* * *

_Why are you always thinking of him?_

**Of who?**

_Kuchiki Byakuya._

**I think of him…always?**

_Yes._

**I…love him?**

_That is for you to decide._

**I do not.**

_If that is what you choose._

* * *

I glanced at Byakuya-kun but…I didn't see him. I saw someone else. Someone aching with love and sorrow. Someone calm and secluded. Deluded and disturbed. I think I even saw myself. The became rain became harder. _Why is he here, waiting with me? _I stared out the window again to see something red. Pure red. Re-Renji-sama…

The doctor told me he would be okay but I still couldn't leave him. I kept my head low and said to Byakuya-kun, "Um, you can go now if you want." He glanced at Renji-sama and headed out the door. I-I really didn't want him to leave. I stared at him as he left. It was quiet. I felt Renji-sama's hand on mine.

."Kaede…You're in love with Kuchiki-taichou." I stared at him. "But…it doesn't matter to me."

I looked at him. "I…"

He cut me off. "You're trying to say 'I'm not', right?" He put his head down, "Anyone could tell."

I stayed quiet. I don't know. Am I in love with Byakuya-kun? "I…"

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone but," He paused for a while, "I'll do everything I can to make you love me."

"Renji-sama…please don't joke." I said in a small voice.

"I'm completely serious. I will not let Kuchiki Byakuya have you."


End file.
